Thursday, May 28, 2015

All the single ladies

[Occasionally, I get a bee in my bonnet and write a mean letter to, say, the characters on a TV show.  Now in its fifth season on FX, Louie is about a stand-up comic / divorced dad in NYC.]

Re: The Lonely, Desperate Single Moms of Louie
To: All y'all
From: Me

Hi there!  I'm a single mom, too!  Early forties, school-aged kids, coastal sophisticate: check, check, and check. 

And may I just say, I cannot identify with a single (no pun intended) one of you?  Watching this show makes me feel like single moms should be banned by law: They are too unstable, too needy, and make too many poor choices to be entrusted with the care of children.  (I find myself wondering if there is a kind grandmother in the picture, or a mature-for-her-age babysitter, to model dignified adult behavior for Manhattan's 12-and-under set?)

I know it's hard being a single mom, and dating can be tricky, but from what I've seen: You're doing it all wrong.  Look deep inside yourselves and realize you're better than this.  (Except for Pamela.) 

To the mom who began sobbing uncontrollably when a male acquaintance wouldn't help her move a fish tank: Get a grip.  You have a perfectly nice apartment, filled with Persian rugs and tchotchkes, and the damn fish tank is fine where it is.  Plus, your daughter is in the house!  Is this really something you want her to witness?  ("Oh, that's just Mom.  She did the same thing when the UPS man wouldn't help her frost a cake.  Let me just add this notation to my feminine 'bag of tricks' . . . ")

To the terse, affectless mom who propositioned a man outside her child's classroom, sent him out to buy blueberries late at night, then made him act out her disturbing "daddy issues" while she cried: You are, put simply, a human disaster.  I say that not to be unkind, but to encourage you to enroll your children in as many extracurriculars as possible so as to limit their time in your home, until you get some help.  Also, do these kids have a dad?  Call him!  Ask him to take the children to the country to see the autumn foliage, because "I really need to get my shit together."  They'll enjoy the leaves.

To the mom who didn't want to date a guy with kids:  Are you an idiot?  Men without kids should be -- in all but rare cases -- disqualified.  Like all non-parents, they just don't "get it."  And neither do you, maybe?

To the mom who wore a white fur coat to lure a stranger into her car, brought him home to her mansion and swinger husband (played by F. Murray Abraham), but had to attend her kids' soccer game the next morning:  I know you're not a "single" mom, but you're not exactly June Cleaver, are you?  I just hope your luck holds, and little Grayson does not come tripping down the marble steps to see you and Antonio Salieri ravishing some hapless jokester before the fireplace.  (Talk about a "bad dream"!)  Still, you seem able to afford the long-term psychotherapy your antics will necessitate, once the kids figure out what's what.  Stick all that money in a trust fund, I guess, and call it a wash.

To the nine-months-pregnant mom who had sex with Louie in her foyer after meeting him at a potluck, causing her to go into labor:  Sigh. Where to begin?  Oh, wait: You were just a paid surrogate for a lesbian couple.  Never mind.  Carry on!

To Pamela: After Season 1, you left your son "Sir" in Paris with his dad and never spoke of him again.  This freed up more time for you to mock and abuse the one (other) person who loves you.  Good call!  I can only imagine what life was like for Sir back in the States, "cared for" by a caustic, deeply cynical mother whose reaction to any sign of human vulnerability is "Ew!"  Anyway, Pamela, just keep doing . . . whatever it is you're doing.  It's super cool.  No, really!  I hope for Sir's sake that his dad marries a nice lady in France.

To married people watching Louie:  Before you start feeling too smug, please know that single moms aren't all like Louie's hookups. And thanks for listening to my rant.  Now back to bathing the kids, doing light housework, playing Words With Friends with my boyfriend, and not throwing a lamp out the window after not picking up a random monologist between sets.  Crazy, right?

It's just the Single Mom way.

(Image: Louis_CK_Kuwait.jpg (public domain) via Wikimedia Commons)

1 comment:

  1. love it, hon' .. oh, and your turn at Words with Friends, btw .. xoxo