Tuesday, July 14, 2015
Occasionally, I think it would be nice to have a pet. Each time I look into it, however, I conclude that pet owners are a little "off" -- never more so than when they try to get rid of said pets on Craigslist.
The following are taken verbatim from a single day's worth of ads:
July 14 Rehoming Female Bearded Dragon
"We have a female bearded dragon who is in need of a good home. . . . We currently have her housed with our other female bearded dragon. We were hoping they would be a good match [but] it turns out our female is aggressive. . . . We would like for her to go to her forever home since bearded dragons live a long time."
Unspoken subtext: "Please take this insufferable b---- of a dragon off our hands, forever! What was our first mistake, we wonder? Was it not understanding the word 'dragon'? Was it the flawed logic that two dragons would be better than one? Just get her fanged ass out of here, and good luck, friend. Oh, and if you don't reach us immediately -- we are out dragon shopping."
July 14 Pedigreed Netherland Dwarf Show Bunny
"Out of grand show champion stock." [Four photos of black bunny on snow]
Unspoken subtext: "This bunny is sooooo adorable! Just look at it! Right? But we are over it and wish we'd spent that money on an Xbox. What do bunnies do, anyway? Look cute? Nothing? We don't know. Some cultures eat them. One thing's for sure: This darling bunny will delight you for four to six weeks! After that: Not our problem."
July 14 PIT BABIES
"8 week old pups very energetic."
Unspoken subtext: "Okay, okay, so we forgot to spay our pit bull. Now we have six tiny pit bulls making our lives just . . . Never mind. Want one? Take two of them! Seriously, what could go wrong?"
July 14 TALKING MACAW
"SHE TALKS ALOT ALL DAY LONG, SHE'S GOOD WITH CATS AND DOGS, SHE'S NOT TAME, SHE HAS FULL WINGS, THEY LIVE UP TO 90 YEARS . . . $1000."
Unspoken subtext: On balance, I find I no longer wish to share my home with this macaw. DID YOU HEAR THAT? SORRY, CAN'T HEAR YOU! WHAT? I SAID 'I DON'T WANT THIS MACAW!'"
Sigh. It's very sad that there are so many unwanted pets. But just reading these ads makes me feel like the couch is covered in dog hair, the house smells like rabbit droppings, an exotic bird is squawking over the dialogue of Parks and Recreation, and an antisocial lizard is in my bedroom, menacing its cellmate.
In this way, Craigslist functions as the "Scared Straight" of animal ownership.
I think I'm good for six months.
(Image: Unitarian Church Bearded Dragon, by Tomwsulcer (own work) [CC0], via Wikimedia Commons)